How is your inner child today ?

[Frank]

This is a discussion group for all things involving the inner child. We all know that the inner child is the creative genius of our inner personalities.
How is your child feeling today ?
What do you do that your inner child loves ?
How does your inner child express itself ?

[Lin Neiswender]

Sorry you are taking a hammering over this. I think you are right to talk to her about what you do. You and your husband have different roles right now due to your illness. I hope she understands that. You're still a good Mom, regardless!

[Maureen]

Aw, thank you so much, Lin :-). You have been such a support to me today. I feel better already :-)

[Carol Clark]

Dear Maureen,

I'm glad I checked in here, I didn't know this was going on with you.

I'm so sorry about your daughter's comment. That must have hurt, considering all that you probably want to do, and would obviously rather not be resting a lot of the time. That had to hurt - it would have hurt me a lot too.

It sounds like you do a lot even with your illness. I think you probably hit it right on the head, with Anna seeing what the other Moms are doing from school. Kids need to categorize, and make sense of things that way, put things in a definite box. Plus...how could she possibly understand your illness, or the medicines that make you tired, etc? I am 100% sure Anna could never know what goes on with you. I've got 12 nieces and nephews, and I have trouble breathing with anxiety, coughing, etc, but they would never see it as something wrong. They just see it as Aunt Carol, and would never think there was a real illness there. Jesus, their parents barely see it, and should know better (had to get that in).

Also...my husband is one of six kids, and since you know I don't have any, he's always filling me in on things about children. I hope you hear this the way I'm trying to say it. He says, .... KIDS ARE MEAN. And I don't mean to call Anna "mean", but I really believe kids can just say the most hurtful things, obviously just blurting out what they see to be true. Adults can just be mean in a whole different way. She saw something, saw that you rest a lot, then miscategorized you. By mean, they don't have the ability to know how bad they can hurt someone. I think that's the best way I can say it. And y'know what else she did...? I think you already stated it. She preyed on what you already feel like inside: unworthy at times (even though it's completely untrue), and whatever crap you were fed as a child.

Moving on to what you said about that. I think when we are kids, we took in EVERYTHING the important adults around us said. So when my father told me I was "sick" because I'm competitive (sports, writing, etc), I believed him. When he told me I was "another word", for being with ONE guy in college.... I believed him. The sad thing is these statements get ingrained in us, because we look so much to them for love and approval... that we start believing them. They're our parents, they're supposed to love us, so we believe their asinine assessments of us. Sad, very sad.

It's our job, and it's taken me a long time, to re-program ourselves, to believe our OWN thoughts and feelings, not their stuff. And trust me, my parents were wrong a lot. I've been thinking of writing my book, and calling it, The Seven Habits of Highly Horrific Parents.

I hope I haven't said too much, or anything off base here. So sorry if I have. But I think you really are doing the right thing, Mo. Telling Anna the truth, trying to help her understand, and if she doesn't... ignore those words. Tell yourself you ARE a good Mom, a great Mom, and work at re-affirming that to yourself - over and over again. Plus, if you weren't a good mom - NONE OF THIS WOULD BOTHER YOU.

I have something else I'd like to tell you in an e-mail, a little later, about affirmations.

For now, know you're doing the right thing, and it's OK to feel hurt. But make sure you remind yourself she's only 5, they do say hurtful things, and you and your husband are trying to support you and love her too.

Love you... talk to you soon, Mo.
Carol

[Maureen]

Carol, thank you SO much for reading my saga and for your wonderful words of support and encouragement.

I wasn't going to say anything about all of this, because it sounded so silly ... but when I thought about in the context of my inner child, it made more sense to me why I was feeling the way I was. This morning as I was browsing this discussion I was still feeling kind of yucky about the whole thing and I just bit the bullet and shared my story, even though I felt a little vulnerable about it.

Everything you said is right on. You are right about kids being mean! I understood completely what you were saying there, and I am glad you did. It reminded me of something I read, that kids aren't able to feel compassion or empathy until about age 7 or 8. That makes me feel better about Anna's lack of "getting it." My older daughter remembers when I was healthier and doing regular "mom" stuff, but for Anna, she probably only remembers me this way.

Also, they say the "age of reason" is 7 (I saw that miraculous change happen with my older daughter. I do much better with kids when they hit that "age of reason"!). That's another reason why Anna doesn't get the fact that I don't WANT to rest and be tired all the time.

I appreciate your affirming words more than I can say. I look forward to your email about affirmations!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart -- you are a wonderful friend.

Love, Mo

P.S. I can't wait to read your book!

[Maureen]

Fiona, thanks so much for reading my long drama! You hit the nail on the head about the social conditioning Anna is seeing in school. She is only in PreK, but it is still very strong there. It is everywhere. And things really are reversed here at home. My husband is more domestic than I am, which happens to be a very "happy accident" at this point in our lives. I have always struggled with feeling I don't measure up to other moms, even when I was healthier, because I don't have the same domestic interests or skills that they have.

About the "lollygagging" word -- that was a good point you raised, but she saw it on TV when she asked me what it meant. I was there with her, and the sentence on TV was something like "stop lollygagging and get back to work." I wonder sometimes if I am reading more into this whole thing than what actually was meant, but Anna has done this kind of thing before, so I am pretty sure my instincts are right about what she was conveying.

How cool that you were an anthropologist!! You continually amaze me with all of your experiences and abilities. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me -- they make a lot of sense. It helps to have your encouragement too.

Thanks again, Love, mo

[Christie]

Dear Mo,

I'm late responding to this thread, but I want to chime in. I feel for you - the hurt all around and about "lollygagging" - as a comment from a complete innocent, no less. I've been batting around similar fears/insecurities/insanities for, well, this whole year so far. OK - sorry, but now this brings up a story! For me, it's about similiar feelings, so maybe it's relevant, or not...

I was a "person of potential" in my family -- only I failed to launch.
I have 5 siblings, all at least a decade older than I and all pretty successful. I hardly know my oldest brother, but he gifted me with a personal visit early last year. One of our "getting to know you" conversations was really strange. He began with a very serious "I have a confession to make." I finished his thought -- "You dropped me on my head when I was a baby." He was quite honestly taken aback, as I thought it was common knowledge within our family, and he insisted no one was around when it happened, and he never told. Can babies really remember such stuff?

Fast forward to a more uncomfortable discussion: He started grilling me about my "life achievements" which is a sore subject. I spent 5 years in college (art schools, actually) constantly switching majors, and never really had a respectible degree, or later, "career." (He's a surgeon!) He began to lecture me, as in -- You are 50+ years old and why have you never done anything with your life?? And so on.

I started with the ADD defense, but could tell that wasn't gonna wash. But for once in my life the "right answer" came to me. I said, "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was dropped on my head when I was a baby?"

[Maureen]

Christie, I love the response you gave your brother! Good for you :-). You know, your story amazes me because I am SO much like you it is uncanny!!

First, I have 4 older brothers, and they are all a decade older than me too!(the youngest is 8 years older than me, and the oldest is 16 years older than me). I always think of them more as uncles or cousins than brothers, and my oldest I barely know. I maybe see him once a year, or less, at family gatherings.

All of my brothers are successful, two of them lawyers, one a physical therapist and one successful in sales. Me, I also "failed to launch." I also switched majors like crazy in college. I did end up with a Jouralism degree and worked for about 12 years as a writer, but had about 5 different jobs during that time. I would get so bored on the job. (ADD, all the way!) I quit when I had kids, not only to stay home with them, but also because I just wanted out of the business world. It wasn't "me", but I didn't know what was.

And ... wait til you hear this ... my youngest brother DROPPED ME ON MY HEAD WHEN I WAS A BABY !!! We had a bumper pool table, and he was sitting me on top of it, and let go of me, and I fell head first off the table onto the cement basement floor.

This is v..e...r...y strange, all these commonalities. I promise, I am not making any of them up! Can you believe it??

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me, and for relating to my insecurities. It helps to know I'm not alone ... and it helps to laugh, too!

[Barbara Ann Storrier]

I dunno, my older brother fell out of a 2nd story window and hit his head when he was about two. He's one smart cookie with electronics, computers especially, and worked for years as a lead at a tool & die company with contracts for the Navy. Thought he would retire from there. He got laid off, after he got the privilege of letting all the people under him know they were laid off. He's not a surgeon or a lawyer but he had a pretty successful career up until then. He got pretty depressed about being told he was overqualified for every job he applied for. Now he does what HE wants, working at a hobby shop.

I was told I had lots of potential when I was young. I got tired of hearing it. I tried college for a semester and dropped out and got married. After a couple of years, I started working. Never held a job longer than four years. All jobs are fun when you start, but unless you have ambitions to climb that ladder and/or are doing something you really love ... well, they do get pretty boring. Eventually I wanted out of the business world, too. So I got out.

What do you mean, why haven't I done anything with my life? I've LIVED it! I did not chase after the carrot on the stick, and I've LIVED MY LIFE the way I've seen fit to do it.

If my brother had ever said something to me like that, I probably would have said "If you feel you have to judge me inferior because of my choices, so be it. I'm happy and I hope you are, too. Bye."

[Maureen]

Barb, I really don't blame any of the stuff I mentioned on being dropped on my head. I just thought it was uncanny how much Christie and I had in common, just from that one story!

I think Christie was being funny/sarcastic to her brother by saying "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was dropped on my head ..." It was just a way to shut him up. Not that she really believed that caused any of her issues.

Now, the ADD thing ... THAT I do have, and that does explain a lot of my stuff, but by no means all of it. And the head dropping thing, that didn't cause anything, just a funny synchronicity with Christie!

[Barbara Ann Storrier]

Yes! It was an excellent comeback ... the kind I wish I could think of in a timely way but always comes later ... LOL!

[Christie]

Oops, Barb -- I WAS just being sarcastic. I really hope no one thought I was implying anything about brain damage, it was just (I thought) a cute story.

And yes, Maureen, I think it's wild that we have so much in common. I don't know anyone else who was raised as "an only child from a large family," as I describe my relationship with my older brothers and sisters. I wish we could do lunch someday and swap stories!

[Susan Hosken]

Maureen, I am so sorry you and your inner child have been hurt by your daughters remarks. As I also have bad health and often can't do things I so understand your plight. I don't have anyone here to tell me off except when my brother visits. All you can do is explain to your daughter that you aren't well. Even adults don't understand your illness so it is understandable that a child would have difficulty. She can't seen that you are unwell and that makes it hard. You are like me and feel guilty that you aren't busy and doing things. I think it is a daily challenge to accept chronic illness. I think a lot of the lessons come time and time again. You are a great mum so please reinforce that. Please get lots of love and support from CCS as you are a wonderful person.
lots of love from susan in australia