Forgiving, healing and strengthen my inner child

[NITA]

When I was a teenager I wrote a wicked letter to a friend. The word teenager is already a big clue to how I was at the time - typical teenager - confused, moody, angry, insecure - but boy was it a cruel and angry letter. and the hate, wow, it still upsets me now, of course you bring sense of humour into it and tell yourself ' lol Nita what was you thinking!'
My friend went public with the letter and although years later we spoke about it and said sorry I know it affects my writing today.
One of my fears to write is that I do not go public with any writing that I may regret or can bring out such a horrible side of me. I am scared to write because I won't be able to take any mistake or regret back and change it....because it there out there permanent. i am not talking about cringing, superficial stuff but heart and soul....as much as I hurt my friend at the time with letter, I hurt me and my writing and My writing is precious to me.
I wasn't sure about the discussion title for this and I don't think its discussion as such im asking perhaps more understanding, support and getting a more better, positive perspective.
I know courage, faith and light-heartedness is required.
I just wanted to share this story and to be honest and put my genuine self out there.

[Ang Monsoon]

good for you, Nita. One bit of advice I'd give, from experience, is if you feel blocked/frustrated/discouraged....just do what you can....keep notebooks, i.e. write/draw them & then, literally, keep them. The sketchbooks/poems I've kept are useful now & I wish I'd kept more of this kind of stuff. It doesn't matter that now they are incomplete/quick sketches etc....one day they may come in very handy.

[RobynG]

Have you read Natalie Goldberg's, Writing Down the Bones. (I have the tiny pocket edition which is so amazing...it fits into your hand...or handbag ...or pocket). Just listen to Natalie and begin writing.

We'v all done those things in our teens and preteens that make us cringe. I wrote a letter that I wish I hadn't when I was hurt by a so called friend. I also created the Tommy Trouble Club which had a huge following of 10 year olds and one day we succeeded in swapping every single price tag in the supermarket which must have led to a huge loss in profit for the owner. I really wish I hadn't instigated that. It haunts me......but I hereby speak about it in public for the first time in my adult life......and move on. Phew, I feel much better now :-)

[Ang Monsoon]

some "anti-commerce" people might see you as a crusader, depends how we look at it i guess....

[Barbara Ann Storrier]

Oh gosh Robyn! Coming clean after all these years! I think we've all done things as kids that we wish we hadn't ... I know I have. No more haunting, okay? I'm sure you have had your share of harmful things done to you.

Here's to being older and wiser :)

[DJ]

Amen to that, Barb. We could all lose sleep over our pasts!
I can lose sleep over something said flippantly to someone or a memory from childhood that makes me cringe to think about it.
I've had to face things, ask forgiveness, and finally, give my "little girl-child" a break...
Another thing to remember is that we all had reasons for doing what we did: unmet needs, frustration, perceived unfairness, etc.
Maybe not excuses, but definitely reasons...

[Jules]

Yes DJ...when I decided to change my life for the better- I started by looking at the past.. I discovered that where others had done harm to me they were doing the best they could with what they had....and I was able to come to terms and forgive...
It took a while longer to discover that I too did the best I could with what I had, and that I could also forgive myself. Now -although my past is still there behind me it is no longer a driving force of my life and everything I do today will influence the new 'past' that I am creating everyday. If I was a better wordsmith I could have said that more clearly. I hope you all know what I am trying to say.

[DJ]

Jules, I love your statement:
"...although my past is still there behind me it is no longer a driving force of my life and everything I do today will influence the new 'past' that I am creating everyday."
May we all create better memories/lives for ourselves...
We can do this.
And, yes, you stated it eloquently, my friend.

[NITA]

Thanks Angie.

I have had the experience of throwing away writing out of anger and also because I had grown up and could not relate to it.....i read it all before throwing it away. I don't regret getting rid of it...because it was writing from my creative writing degree and most of it, majority was writing for others, writing that I knew the teachers would like and deep inside i was unhappy because all i was caring was about geeting a safe mark.
Thankfully, one of my tutors was aware of this and said that what i called writing as 'unnecessary deasd wood' amongst that, in between is the real writing.
I have only keep writings from that tutors classes. the rest i binned...it was liberating and i felt fresh and free.

However from that day I have kept everything, I have cupboard storage and shoe boxes that i have painted and collaged and scattred all aroung my room with notebooks and papers of writing and i am lucky enough to have a big storage space in the loft for artwork and things i have made including photographs.

it has been a while since i have looked through them....maybe i will do that...sometimes its good to remind yourself how far you have come on your journey of self-discovery and creative spiritual adventure.

This morning I was awake a little early than usual and I wrote...wow it was different...I felt strangely fresh yet dreamy and the writing was open, honest and free-flowing.....I remembered morning pages....I will begin morning pages again....gosh the sunlight, birds singing just witnessing the day beginning...it was wonderful...

I am reading a book called 'finding what you didn't lose' John Fox
creating poetry and expressing my truth

it is interesting though I am working on quietening the busy, scattered mind...which gets in way when doing the exercises...which are great...warming up and loosening up my grip upon pen....

ok, All enjoy your creative discovery and adventure today/night.

[Beverly]

Hi Nita (and Angie)
Have really enjoyed your sharing your thoughts and feelings here in this discussion. I would like to participate as well. Lately, I have been writing fantasy poems and stories and my paintings are going that way as well. Yet, I wonder and "fear" that I am going off into such a fantasy place that I will never be able to come back and "cope" with the world as it is. I have actually found myself getting angry about this. I sink so into that dreamlike state that when I jolt myself out of it there is such a rude awakening. It's like I am being mean to my artist side, sabotaging it. Yet, I find writing "ordinary" stories and painting realistic things are so darn boring to me. I guess I have to accept who I am with all its resultant feelings and emotions and go with it. Sometimes I actually feel physically sick and in pain when I create. I guess this is just getting into the deep sense of who I am on all cellular levels. Memories are getting stoked up and I hope to just release them through creative sources. Art is so therapeutic yet so scarey sometimes. Thanks for letting me share.
Nita, I'm loving your creative playful spirit emerging recently. Your spirit is helping me to access and affirm my own.

[NITA]

Hi Beverly,

Thank You so much for sharing...and it is moments like this we can dissolve the 'fear' of going into our fantasy place because no matter what we are never alone. Here at CCS we can remain connected to each other becaus we have an understanding of that dreamlike state...whatever feelings and thoughts they are safe and respected here....I can relate to the anger that speak of because I feel that way too....sending you positive, warm energy....do not settle for 'ordinary' and continue with the 'extraordinary'!
Nita

[Barbara Ann Storrier]

Hi Nita,

I have also destroyed my art many times in anger and frustration ... even things I really liked.
I'm glad you have discovered the magic of writing when the day is fresh and the birds are welcoming the sunlight back, and many people are still in bed. It's my favorite time of the whole day, listening to the breezes on my wind chimes, and watching the snow capped peaks of the Cascades glow with pink light.

We can not always be writing helpful and uplifting and loving things to inspire others. We must also write what we must write for our selves.

[NITA]

I hear you Barbara...Thank You....Yes slowly I am writing more for me...flaws, fears and all....I recall a time I would write in code in my journal...even now to this day....especially if I am angry or negative....I try to cover it up in my writing....suppress it....but i am workimg..writing on this...

I think I panic because in case someone might read it...I am very protective over my writing....lol....even a book that I am reading for some reason I place the book face down or cover with something....