Forgiving, healing and strengthen my inner child

[NITA]

When I was a teenager I wrote a wicked letter to a friend. The word teenager is already a big clue to how I was at the time - typical teenager - confused, moody, angry, insecure - but boy was it a cruel and angry letter. and the hate, wow, it still upsets me now, of course you bring sense of humour into it and tell yourself ' lol Nita what was you thinking!'
My friend went public with the letter and although years later we spoke about it and said sorry I know it affects my writing today.
One of my fears to write is that I do not go public with any writing that I may regret or can bring out such a horrible side of me. I am scared to write because I won't be able to take any mistake or regret back and change it....because it there out there permanent. i am not talking about cringing, superficial stuff but heart and soul....as much as I hurt my friend at the time with letter, I hurt me and my writing and My writing is precious to me.
I wasn't sure about the discussion title for this and I don't think its discussion as such im asking perhaps more understanding, support and getting a more better, positive perspective.
I know courage, faith and light-heartedness is required.
I just wanted to share this story and to be honest and put my genuine self out there.

[DJ]

It is so brave of you to do this. The world needs brave, honest people.
May you find healing and a newfound strength to write and share yourself with the world.

Love & Laughter,
DJ

[Ang Monsoon]

Hi Nita, you feel remorse, you were young and you made a mistake, that's how we learn. Think of all the worse things you could have done. You did it in writing. You will never make that mistake again. If it makes you feel any better I did some nasty things when I was a teenager too. And, the media I used was tapes, we made some wacky tapes and posted them to boys...I graffited busstops....I dumped a load of sawdust in the Chinese takeaway and ran off....I put extra salt in a "friend's" stew , I rang a "friend" and told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore, I mocked people for their weaknesses.....and so on, forgive me, forgive yourself and don't let this block your writing.....

[Jules]

Nita- thank you for sharing- I have found that, for myself the best way to begin to heal an aspect of myself, or a past action that makes me cringe is to tell it...get it out of 'me' and into the open. More often than not, this is the hardest part for me on my path to wholeness. And I made a lot of horrible mistakes, believe me!

Forgiving myself was /is not something that just happens overnight. It takes a lot of prayer and meditation, new insights into the nature of Spirit, afffirmations and loving friends.

Consider this- you were young, that is when we are supposed to make the mistakes that become valuable lessons to us as adults. Find that lesson and learn from it...and realize that when you write today your intention is not to do harm to anyone (as a teen it was probably the goal). So the fear that a 'horrible side' will show up is the dragon..the boogie man, albeit a very powerful one...very powerful. Telling on it this way should help remove some of it's power and make it a more managable block.

Continuing to wirte as well as being honest about your mistake may be just the thing that will give someone else a moment of pause before they send the same type of letter...they could be spared years of regret.

[Frank]

Nita, I feel that just by simply writing this discussion, you have helped heal yourself.

I believe that writing is a form of our voice.It is something that we crave to do - to communicate with others,
to share, and to inspire. I have stopped myself from writing many times because I was afraid that my words might be used against me. BUt my desire to communicate and write, made me keep trying. ANd still the fear haunted me. The fear is still there inside of me, but I have chosen not to listen to it (too much). I realize that this fear is just there as a protection for me - to be cautious - but I know I would like to write and share my writings and that is the voice I listen to.

I don't know if any of that helped you but I do know that your discussion here inspires me. So I thank you for posting this and I hope you keep writing no matter what.

Thank you Nita,
Frank

[DJ]

No, I don't subscribe to this theory, but it's an interesting idea.
However, I do like the point made that pressure should be taken off of the individual to follow up success with "better" and "higher" and "faster" and...you know...greater success.
Enjoy...

[Jules]

That was interesting DJ- thanks for posting it...I am not so sure about the theory myself...although the concept seems valid to me- if I take her 'entity' and turn it to inspiration from an unfathomable creator rather than an unknown fantasy creature ...but if I do that I change her theory LOL

I know from psychology classes that theories are designed to be put to the test and disproven, so if they fail they are a success. My prof used to say 'rejection is good' when it came to theories.

That is how I view my work- even the perceived failures are a success because the process is where I find my bliss (I know I've said that before)

[DJ]

"That is how I view my work- even the perceived failures are a success because the process is where I find my bliss (I know I've said that before)"

Ah..yes! Love those failures. They help us locate the right path.
We just have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep going forward.
You have certainly helped me do that Jules. And other CCSers...
My sincere thanks.

[Ang Monsoon]

Nita's original post has resonated in me a lot: I think the imagination is a very powerful thing that in the hands of the young can get you into trouble. Certainly, this was the case with myself. Can anyone else remember grown-ups saying "you're in a world of you're own, you..", "we don't know whether she's telling us fact or fiction...". and so on....As we get older, hopefully we can manage it in a positive way. I recently mentioned to my son's English teacher that I feel his imagination helps his mischief along & asked for it to be channelled into English & drama..You know the kind of thing: orgasm instead organism...playing on words...getting ideas, that kind of thing...I used to think I was a very honest person, so was baffled when people said things like "we don't know whether she's telling us fact or fiction". But now I can see that my imagination did & can run away with me....and some of the things I got up to as a teenager could have been channelled in a more creative direction...Here's a poem I started a long time ago, but came back to after I read Boneita's blog about white/labor day.

Perspective

The blue biro mark, on the woman's white handbag,
to me was a symbol.
A mark made by an innocent child,
threatened by his mother's affair.
Only a kid myself,
it seemed to me that the middle-aged couple,
embracing so urgently, in public,
must be married, but not to each other.
And a grown-up crying had to signify separation,
forever.

Now, middle-aged myself,
I can think of many reasons why
a middle-aged couple might caress, kiss and cry, in public.
It's even permissable that they were married to each other.
The blue mark, on the white bag,
probably had no significance at all.
Just my imagination, coming up with things,
not knowing it's own strength,
not knowing anything at all.

[NITA]

wow.

what a beautiful poem. I felt depth - a person being open and honest - a connection. you took a moment and built something inspiring and wonderful.

The past few days have been an emotional one. I am still avoiding the pen - though not entirely I have not neglected my journal - I am yearning for something more and something - I guess faith tells me its either - here and I am not looking in the right place or its on its way.

Coming from an Indian culture art and being creative has always had a ? mark placed beside it......the main issue being can this bring in money.....Though I have been brave and explained to my parents I live at home, that I need my private space and sanctuary to be creative and sometimes that includes doing 'nothing - just being - i guess some people do not realise the reflecting, receiving inspirations, and the importance of stillness.

I do not know where to begin with my writing - i use to write wonderful short stories - fairytales and fables with illustrations - and poetry - of no particular style - then I stopped....because I became a critic - this is not poetry it has no shape, style or form....its free verse etc...

I am not saying that I want to write only about 'peaceful' things but that the underlying is that the writing inspires, encourages, relaxs the mind, brings joy, teaches a good lesson....that it does something good for others......

there is a wonderful rhythmn and flow in your writing, Angie and that is what I want...I have too...just need to give myself to it and bring it back up to the surface.

I am glad to be here.

Thank you

[Ang Monsoon]

have you read Julia Cameron's The Artist'sWay? I found it really inspirational. There's some people you'll never convince about your art, it's the same for all of us. And it's hard, 'specially if you share a house, 'cos we want their acceptance. But like JC says in her book, if you feel you should be creating...and that't the authentic you...then "for god's sake do it". .... and build up your strength. I like this, from Buddhist scripture:
"Hidden and unknown like the new moon, I will live my life."

[NITA]

I love Julia Cameron and often return to the artists way for inspiration and understanding.

Trust myself. I am trusting myself and allowing myself to write - this evening I felt myself let go of the grip/tension and write....it felt good....

Bit by bit,step by step.

I feel a sense of security here so I am going to sign in and sign off so to speak each day I begin writing and then ...return and share....even just to say hi im about to write.....

[NITA]

Today i spent the entire sunshine day in the garden - it was great - i am learning and having fun - I love colours and i felt like a eight year old playing with mud and water...i did not care the mud getting under my fingernails and my feet and clothes soaking wet....i love walking barefoot in the garden.....

I am a night owl this evening in terms of writing...pen is ready and my special note book....music and glass of water....ok...here goes....hopefully i return with something.....