Bev's Inner Self Journey

[Beverly]

"Flower Child" by phatpuppy

[Beverly]

I've been having a talk with my inner child self lately and we both have expressed the need to start our own
discussion group here. I am not sure where it will go, but hopefully my inner child/self/soul will guide me. I'll post art, poetry, thoughts that will reflect my process.
I think, for me, there are still issues of trust and safety I am dealing with and the following thoughts will elaborate on that.

Today I feel confused, sad, frustrated and maybe throw a little anger into the mix. I so long to move ahead yet feel the clutter around me is overwhelming. In my soul I know it is necessary to clean both exterior and interior of myself. Yet, I still cling to something self-protective that the junk in my life provides me. So the battle within me fights on, but I am ready to wave the white flag. I only have so much energy and this is not the way to preserve it.

Brick by Brick, Removing The Wall

clutter surrounds me
a self-imposed fortress that
allows me safety


I also feel the urge to paint and collage. I lose myself in the dreamy land of watching others be creative around me and my inner child so longs to plays too. Yet, she does not take action and holds back. Why, I ask her, why do you not play yourself. Because there is too much clutter. Ah, the adult parent in me says. You are feeling shame that your living space is a pigpen, perhaps. Yet, you do not clean nor play, but stay stuck in the middle. What would you like to do about that?

Inner child says quietly: "Play first, then clean a bit". (In that order)! And my inner parent says: "And when you clean, you will feel safe removing those barriers? I think so, Inner Child says. Inner parent says I will be by your side as you clean and will keep you safe. Inner Child Beams happily now and answers "PLAY TIME"!

It's Safe To Play

inner child playing
finger painting rainbows, joy
moving head to toes

clean-up time follows
and child feels so safe now as
inner parent beams

[Frank]

I feel my own heart expanding after reading this post.
Bev, I hope you have fun playing and
I hope you keep this journal going
because my own inner child is inspired by yours.

I love the picture at the top of the page.
It seems to fit you very well. I think it fits most
of us too.

I love your haiku - they express true emotions.
This is a wonderful personal expression.

I think you have great courage and strength.

Love and peace,
Frank

[Lin Neiswender]

Bev, I struggle with some of the same issues. It has been a life-long battle. It is an illness, a form of OCD called hoarding. I still don't understand the origins, but I think for me it has to do with losing my father at a very young age. I hang onto things to give me comfort and not feel alone.

For now, I clear enough room to collage and have at it! Then I go wash the dishes or do some other task.

Not long ago I went room to room pulling things for a yard sale. What didn't sell, except for a handful of personal mementos, went to charity, not back in the house. Other than that, I am attacking it room by room as best I can.

Let yourself do the art. It is healing. And it can act as the reward for clearing some of the chaos. Hugs!

[Beverly]

Hm, thanks, Lin, for the insight.
Yes, I do seek safety and comfort in things to not feel so alone. And I shall play or do something fun and creative first, then go for the life demands that call to me. I think the other way around will not work.
My inner child is whispering in my ear, saying she agrees.
Regarding cleaning, yes, perhaps just an area in a room to start, if I look at the whole picture, I'm too overwhelmed. Lots of my things are ghosts of my past, not really who I am now. I will look at things to see if I feel the love and soul exuding from them. Those items I just may hold onto. Yet, sometimes, I want to be like
a monk and live simply. One extreme or another.

[Beverly]

"My Inner Child Has Gifts To Offer"
Watercolor

Today my inner child is in a pondering mood. She and I together have been reading the Lucia C. books and doing some of the exercises in the last few days or so. There are some safety issues involved here though. She still feels not quite ready to share her deep feelings and instead, chooses to go into a quiet mood to reflect. She has also been shying away from writing comments here at CCS and on other friend's blogs. How she can be any more introspective than she already is is beyond her, but I as her inner parent, respect her wishes. She seems to becoming more aware of who she is and how she has just done things to fill up time rather than for the sheer enjoyment of it.
Yesterday in writing class my inner child emerged in a short story I did. She expressed her desires to dream, to ride the tidal waves that pushed against her, to build sand castles in the sand and pick up sand dollars. She wants to be everywhere now, to be more exposed to the world. Yet, she still feels tentative about this. It's a big class with lots of adult types in there. Is she able to see glimpses of their inner children shine through? She hopes so, for then she will feel more connected and safe. She knows that as she writes down words this is her voice coming through. She nestles her word gifts on her lap in a bowl, as an offering. A new student in the class, an older man, came up to me during break and said that I had a wonderful way of writing, that it had touched him. Wow. My inner child beamed. feeling relieved that she had not listened to her first impulse to not share her story in class.
Yes, it good to share her writings with herself and with others. She does not need to be a turtle hiding in a shell any longer. It is time to say Hi.

[Lin Neiswender]

Little turtle has transformed into a butterfly perhaps, ready to fly around and experience new things. Welcome to the world! So glad you shared this glimpse into your inner child's world though- it was touching. I feel honored to have been invited in. Thank you.

[Barbara Ann Storrier]

Lovely portrait your inner child painted, Bevvie. She reminds me of a Pueblo Indian, sitting in her native desert, with a pot she has made, filled with gifts of herself. The wavy lines around her are like good vibrations :)

I'm glad you are respecting her wishes for introspection and having patience with her. Neat about the student in class who approached you to tell you that your writing is GOOD.
Because your writing is good, and your art is good, and your photography is good. I'm inspired by your art and I'm happy that your inner child is becoming less fearful about sharing.

Hugs :)

[Maureen]

Hi Bev and Bevie,
Your writing here is so beautiful and introspective. Thank you for being so open with us. I also love your watercolor painting! What a creative being you are, nestling your "word gifts" in your lap, as an offering.

I love the sentence in here that says, "She seems to becoming more aware of who she is and how she has just done things to fill up time rather than for the sheer enjoyment of it." Yes! I really relate to that sentence.

It is okay if your inner child is feeling a bit shy about sharing and commenting here at CCS. I think we all go through that sometimes, and it's good that you are honoring your inner child's needs. I miss you, but will wait patiently until your IK says it's okay to come back :-).

I thought of you last night. I was in the drive-through line at McDonalds, and the car in front of me had a license plate that read: "THE BEV".

But I know that you are THE Bev-est Bev of all!

Love you,
Mo